Supporting others

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Family, whānau, and friends can often be called on to help someone who is a victim, witness, or has been bereaved by crime or a traumatic event. Your empathetic support can play an important role in their recovery journey, even though it's common to feel uncertain about how to navigate these situations. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do or say and you may be feeling stressed by their situation as well.

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Being a source of understanding, offering ongoing care, and being open to listen when they're ready to talk can ease some their challenges. While your support won't erase their pain, knowing they have someone to rely on can make their journey a little less daunting.

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Understand their reactions

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People will react in their own ways. You might see someone you know doing or saying things that are different from normal. These are completely normal reactions to a traumatic situation and most people find their reactions gradually lessen over time. Be accepting of their reactions and know that it will take time for them to work through what’s happened.

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It can be helpful to understand what the person you’re supporting might be going through and some of the practical matters they will need to attend to.

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Find information and resources tailored to specific situations on our Crimes and traumatic events pages, as well as additional support in our Coping with grief and trauma page.

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How to help

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After a crime or traumatic event, it’s important to remember that your loved one might not know how, or even want to talk about it. Give them space - they’ve been through a lot and may need to concentrate on themselves first.

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Just showing you believe them and expressing your support and willingness to stand by them can be a guiding light during a tough time.

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What you can do

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Listen and understand

• Give them the space to open up, but never push them to share more than they're comfortable with.
• Understand that their emotions might be intense and varied; let them express what's on their mind, even if it's repetitive, as it's part of their processing.
• Refrain from offering immediate advice, and respect their choice if they'd rather talk to someone else.
• Be culturally sensitive and respect any cultural differences.

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Allow grief

• Acknowledge their grief and what’s happened, and don't minimise their loss or critique their coping mechanisms.
• Let them grieve at their own pace and in their own unique way.
• Provide extra understanding and support to bereaved parents, who often navigate a particularly challenging journey of grief.

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Embrace silence

• Recognise that sometimes silence is what they need; don't feel compelled to fill it with words.
• Non-verbal gestures like eye contact, a gentle touch, or a comforting hug can communicate your support. Sometimes your caring presence is enough.

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Express your feelings

• It's okay to show your own emotions, but remember to keep the focus on them.
• If overwhelmed, step back briefly and collect yourself; they shouldn't feel responsible for comforting you.
• Share positive moments when the time is right for everyone.

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Offer assistance

• Ask how you can help, and make specific suggestions like accompanying them to appointments, delivering them a meal, or picking their children up from school.
• Respect their decisions even if they decline your offers. Some people find doing things themselves helps them feel in control and helps their recovery.
• Help them to be safe and feel secure, and reassure them that they’re not responsible for what’s happened. Ask them if there is anything you can do to help them feel safer.

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Offer advice with sensitivity

• Avoid providing unsolicited opinions and strong advice and help them to have choices and control.
• If you have suggestions, frame them as considerations or options to empower their decision-making. If you do have some suggestions, start by saying… "Have you thought about..." or "You might like to...", so the choice stays with them.

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Provide ongoing support

• Regularly check in on them; don't assume their emotional state.
• After a bereavement, continue to be present throughout their grieving, including key dates like anniversaries and birthdays.

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Watch out for concerning signs

• Be vigilant for signs that they might require additional help or support. If someone displays a lack of recovery, ongoing distress, nightmares, strained relationships, escalated mental health issues, risky behavior, or expresses a desire for help, these signs should raise concern.
• If their reactions raise concerns or you worry about their safety, discuss your worries with them and check if they want to consider professional or medical help.

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What not to do or say

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To provide effective support to someone who has experienced a distressing event, it's essential to avoid unhelpful responses such as urging them to forget, not talk about, or move on from it quickly.

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Avoid general phrases such as “look on the bright side” or “if only”, and don't minimise their experience by saying things like “You’re lucky it wasn’t worse”, or assuming you understand exactly how they feel.

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Instead, it's important to be patient, avoid judgment, and create a space for them to express their thoughts and feelings at their own pace.  Not pressuring them into professional help can also be more supportive in the long run, as everyone's recovery journey is unique, and seeking assistance should be their choice and timeline.

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Practical support after a bereavement

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The tragic death of someone close to us is always distressing, and when it happens unexpectedly or in some cases violently, it can be even more challenging. We might hear the news from others or have witnessed the person’s death ourselves, and the shock can leave us unsure about what we need to do.

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A lot needs to happen within the first few days after a death and many people and agencies become involved. They understand how distressing this time is will support you through it respectfully and with care.

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For support with handling practical matters after a loved one has passed away, visit our Support through bereavement page.

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Supporting a victim or witness at court

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Family, whānau, or a trusted friend of a victim of crime, can be a huge support during a court case. This includes helping them to find any information they are needing before a trial as well, through their Support Worker, Court Victim Advisor, or by utilising resources such as our Going to court page.

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• Offer transportation to and from the court, helping them get home safely after each court session.
• Accompany them to the court, ensuring they don't face it alone.
• Sit beside them in the courtroom, providing a sense of solidarity during the case proceedings.
• Provide continuous support throughout the day. Court sessions can be lengthy, so encourage breaks and maintain their well-being by ensuring they take care of themselves.
• If they are a court witness, sit near them when they need to testify, adhering to the judge's instructions. Remember, you can't speak unless directly addressed by the court authority.
• Attend a coroner's inquest with them if their loved one's cause of death is under consideration.
• Accompany them to a family group conference or restorative justice conference if they choose to participate.

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If you are acting as their representative

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You may be called upon to be the liaison between the person you are supporting and the police, medical staff, or other agencies.

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It’s helpful to keep your loved one involved in decision making and informed about any updates.  It’s a good idea to check in with them regularly about what their needs and wants are and if there is anything they want conveyed.

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If you have been asked to deliver a Victim Impact Statement, represent them at a restorative justice conference or receive victim notifications on their behalf, it's useful to learn about what's involved and how to get help.

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Managing media interest

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If you are the designated spokesperson speaking to media on behalf of your loved one, spend some time with them  to ensure you know what they want to say and that you’re representing them in a way that is most supportive to them.

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Keep them involved and updated and check in to make sure their voice is heard.

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Look after yourself

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It’s important to take good care of yourself - your well-being matters.

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It’s not easy watching someone you care about going through a difficult and traumatic experience. Supporting someone through a bereavement can also be incredibly challenging, especially if you’re grieving the loss as well.  Sometimes, the things that another person has experienced can start to have a second-hand effect on you also.

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You may find it helpful to talk to someone supportive too or find it useful to let your loved one know what you are able or unable to do and be realistic in what your capacity is.

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To be able to give others good support, you need to prioritise looking after yourself and take some time to yourself when you need to.

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Support services

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Support is here for you when things get tough. You don't have to face it alone. Reach out to these confidential and non-judgmental services to discuss your situation and get the help you need.

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Resources

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Useful websites and other information

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Downloadable resources

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