The day my world stopped

My mother was murdered by the man who had been living with and controlling us for only 18 months. Most days we never knew how he was going to be, and the Police and other social service agencies were an all too familiar sight in our home and in our lives.

My mother was such a kind and lovely woman who didn’t deserve what happened. But I also know she would want me to be able to move on and forgive him and not be the reason he stays in prison. It is confusing to reconcile those two things with what he did.

My family tell me that on the day it happened I was at my friend’s house after school and they protected me and kept me away from the horrible details of what occurred. But I remember it differently. I remember seeing my mother’s body and what he did to her.

That was just the beginning of things for me. For a while I stayed with my uncle and aunt. But that didn’t work out so next I stayed with my older sister and that didn’t work out either. Nothing worked out. I tried counselling but it didn’t work, nothing worked. And I lost my family.

A couple of years ago, I lost another important person in my life – my grandmother. I saw my sister and uncle and aunt around that time and we argued a lot. I feel like things aren’t fair, they have everything, and I have nothing. I wrote them a letter, but things only got worse. Now we are estranged, and I have no family apart from my partner.

I am a grown woman now and my mother’s death still haunts me. I find it hard to be open about it and still I “run and hide”. I reached out to Victim Support because I recognised I really needed help. Victim Support have kept in touch with me, and my Support Worker understands this about me, if nothing else. My partner supports me and knows when I am not doing well. Many things have happened, and I feel like everything is too much.

I wonder what effect my mother’s death has had on me, how it has affected my growth and development, and how it has affected the life I don’t have. I know my family tried to shelter me from this, and even though our views of what took place differ; I am still deeply affected by the loss. I have more insight into myself and with the help of my counsellor I can begin to understand my grief, live through the pain and build another life for myself.

Victim Support continue to stay in touch and I know they are there for me.